Mistakes have been committed but that doesn’t mean I will lie on it forever. I have find a way to stop the illusions though it may not be a sure win-all situation, I know I’ll grasp the truthful way to start my life all over again.

I have been lying in lies for days and as I have been struggling to get up circumstances drag me down to swim with filthy, horrible creatures enjoying the swing of their arms, the kick of their legs and the blue wave of water that washes each strokes towards their own world. Water an element occupying or flowing in a particular bed and that is a clear definition of what I have been doing. I thought going with the flow will lead me to an unfamiliar, happy place. It may be so while travelling to the current but lately, coursing through the torrent and engulfing all its form that I pass is just hard.

The water that descends from clouds and in which I have been swimming into is a lie.

And breathing in through each stroke is a pain. I pause and linger on to the others that have been looking, whispering or talking, waiving and leaving. Yes, I am hurting but amidst all the lies that surround me I have Him and so I said to myself I have to get out of here! I have to go back at the beginning, rewind all actions that have been taken and start a new life. Though it may be difficult to go back or rewind back in to my life, I have to start somewhere because this is what I believe is true.

Slowly I will pick up the pieces – this will be my pace. Not to rush to something or someone new. I will make my own body of water however long it may take. I will be sprinkling each field’s with happiness and hope. Only then will I truly be happy, only then will I finally be free.

Six months of crossroads with you my love. A slow smile is glowing as memories of you and me begun and come flooding yet keeping everything so still. Gradually soaking my precious thoughts of sanity. I ride with you towards the crossroads, half awake and half blind. Yes, it has been exciting, joyful and thrilling too.

Two roads crisscrossed its way to us my love. Showing each beauties and ugliness; beckoning our presence, our time and our lives. Capturing everything that passes in between; leaving no trails of innocence.  Sheepishly holding you and me and so tight it binds us. Fastening us to our seats, holding us captive to the enthralling trance of this highway so long and infinite.

One road leads towards the north – the future; the other to the south – the past. Two sides gearing to the left and then to the right my love.  These four roads, each have their stories, each have their heartaches, each have their lives lived and loved. Different directions pointing us in each separate ways; dividing our thoughts, our faith and yet hardships are not over as it will never be. As constant as change as evident as you and me.

Some days, you are with me and others are fleeting hours of waiting or maybe forever no one is sure. But in the middle we have manifested incomparable affection or fondness that I may call love. In the midst of it all we have found each other and bounded time to our side. Ignoring those crisscross, discounting those four roads. I could laugh or cry in the irony of our lives together but thinking of you brings warmth into this cold, cold heart, my love.

The roads are unending and our hearts are unyielding. But the truth is I am mystified because in the middle of the crossroads I have found me standing tall. Picking up the stones, keeping some in my pockets; sometimes bending to choose wildflowers in the pavements and smelling some. Then I look up my love.

Hmmm...What is in my mind these days...?

Numb, frozen and stationary, I am.

There's so much to do but I am left with nothing. There's a lot to accomplish but I am starting at nowhere. There's a lot of thinking but words and actions are extinct motives. There's got to be somewhere I need to start with, something to tinker with, move with and begin with.

I am breathing and here I am in my glamorous short white dress, red high heels on and face totally made up. Standing within a crowd, lovely beyond anyone's toy yet you don't worry baby.

You don't call, my love, you don't see me love and you don't touch me love. I am waiting here naked under the blue lights of the lampshade, my hair luminescent with curls dipping down my pale, cold check as my hand is offering a sip of champagne to this dry, red lips. I am alone in the midst of the whispers and chats.

With me are these distant pair of hazel eyes looking at the outside or the inside or just looking for someone.

Dropping my head down and walking low I strut towards the crowd. I mingle, I chat, I drink, I laugh, I glance – and bow my head again – inhaling deeply.  I surrender and nod to no one in particular, I straighten up my dress and myself as a slow smile passes up my lips.

 Nowhere still, my love?

The bravest face to the world I have mastered, the oldest virtue of denial I have perfected and yet my knees start to quiver whenever I can't hear you, my love.

So, I put down this drink in my hand, sway out of the crowd and head towards home. Without any thoughts of regret I walk on home, my love.

 

 

:P

Terrified of what's going to happen to us if the time comes when you have to face your real identity. 

Slowly some thoughts in my head take me back to the reality of what you have and what you will always be. I am trying to shove those thoughts away by keeping memories of blissful pleasure in which we always have every day.

I am happy; don't get me wrong, I know what and where I am in you.

I don't want you to be sad, I don't want you to worry and I don't want you to go through tough decisions. I know it is not because of me but part of it is because of me and you cannot deny that.

I am taking it one day at a time; we are taking each precious day a gift. You are a gift to me – unexpected and unpredicted. Never planned and yet here I am standing tall but naked and there you are walking strong but bended.

You want me to hold your hand, you want me to hug you, and you want me to kiss you! And in public they all don't know but still you urge me follow this heart, you are passing the burning heat of your love to me and carry me through this bumpy ride.

I say to myself, be strong - this will pass! I always think I will drive you away. But you believe in us. You are building a future with me and creating a world with me. You have given me the best and the worst you; you make me fall in love - you, in spite of all circumstances that loving you entail.

It is just amazing being love by you and being in love with you – the forbidden one. But you made me the helpless one. Or maybe, just maybe this is fate's film of comedy or maybe tragedy only she knows. But even if this is what it takes in finding you – ill be damn!

 And you have made me a believer, a reluctant one but only in the beginning. That's why I'm afraid of where this would lead you and me. I will be holding on but will you want me to? I will be loving you but will you always allow me to. I will be by your side but will you need me to.

One day, as I pray that that day will never come - let me go. Let me go if you think you can no longer hold me. Let me go when your love is fading. Let me go if you no longer need me by your side.

Set me free, release me and with my love for you I will walk away.

 

From afar I can see you.

Laughing with your friends as I am with mine, catching glimpses of you passing through my corridors and with a nod from you, I am content… I think. Sometimes, I'm walking with my friends going to your building, hoping to snatch a glance of your lean, lanky built – my past time, I admit.

Everywhere I can see you.

Then my steps lead me to that Library and there you are browsing through my favorite sections. So with high hopes I storm your way. With a smile I march towards your corner but pause to check my face in the glass wall, flipping my glossy hair there. And here you are breathing beside me - my happiest day!            

I thought you see me then but, the me you notice is different.

I don't know if you can notice the slow smile I am giving you. I silently am batting my lashes for you. I don't mind if you walk with me. I won't mind if you call my name. I'll never mind if you'll hold my hand.

Too many moments have passed yet here I am still thinking of what have been if everything turns out the other way.

As the years flow and I have grown I should have forgotten you and found someone new but instead my thoughts of you still linger. It has taken its toll on me and would never go away. It has etched its mark on me and has lived with me, breathe with me and stayed with me.

So I dream of you and me in some place laughing, sharing or maybe dancing.  Just some small talk and a half time with you in a private getaway maybe.

Some feeling, some dreaming some you and me

 

For Brij

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I don't know what you did to me but here I am drowning in you. I have never thought I would feel this deepest emotion but I am graciously giving everything I am to you.

I remember the times when I was scared and afraid to take chances. A lot of them I have left to feelings of regret and most of them I have tried to turn back the times. But when it comes down to you – those thoughts disappear.

As I am with you; time passes by, ever y minute counts as every second matters. You embrace me with your love and shower me with your kisses and lavish me with your hugs and grace me with your handsome being. I am totally and utterly in love with you.

Though everything of me is lain down in the table for your taking – I am still intensely scared. Hesitations and frights are with me too. They are hiding behind the heart of my true passion, lurking behind the great sensation of bliss of being with you.

By and by those moments of uncertainties grip me back to my reality with you. And always it scares the hell out of me. Promises of you and me, trusting the you and me, betting all the you and me. It is a jolt that haunts my chances with ever after.

Yes

Ever after and forever – every girl in this world have in their lifetime think of those words whether they admit it or not. It is natural, basic and an instinct.

But with a smile I am giving it all to Him. With an uncertain strong heart I am throwing what I have and not have to you. However this may lead me, whatever this may make me and wherever this may take us – I have, without doubt given you my heart.

After i find myself so broken inside. i tried to stop myself from thinking but still tears well. How do we stop the heart from falling, how do we stop the hurt from throbbing and how do we stop our hearts from loving? When do we say this is the last ti

 

i am sitting here listening to a friend's love story when i thought to myself "whatever happened to mine!?"

as work keeps me busy, as my team keeps me occupied and as my life keeps me dreaming i have misplaced my heart somewhere, somehow in the far corner of my mind.

everything is a swirl, a fantastic circle of wishes and imagination. a maze of sale and prices that confuses the mind of what the heart really wants. on the edge are throngs of different races inching their bodies towards a goal-a vision they have all their life. and on the other side happy faces - holding hands with bottles of wines and beers pouring on heavily to their throats as their laughters burn ears.

voices, talks, singing, beeps, alarms, rings all those noises that numbs the noise inside -- all the longing and belonging shying away on to a place of lifeless blabber. closing in on me - voiding in on me - leaving in on me.

hearing nothing of the shouts, heeding nothing of the calling, maybe he is just waiting, i smile of the thought...just waiting for me to glance his way, turn my head and nod in recognition.

since i can't seem to hear his voice amidst everything else, perhaps tomorrow. and perhaps i'll know.

perhaps my love story is in me, perhaps my love story is in you, perhaps my love story is happening, perhaps.